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My sons won’t rape unconscious women behind a dumpster, and neither will most of the progressive men I know.But what all of these men share in common, even my sons, is a relentless questioning and disbelief of the female experience.But as my boys grow into men, I wonder whether I’ve done enough to combat the messages they hear from everyone but me.They are good boys, and maybe that’s the best they can be in the system we’ve created for them.I think it’s both, but the balance between the two has proven impossible to pinpoint.

They are good boys, in the ways good boys are, but they are not safe boys. I wrote an essay in last year, during the height of the Brock Turner case, about my sons and rape culture.I didn’t think it would be controversial when I wrote it; I was sure most parents grappled with raising sons in the midst of rape culture.The struggle I wrote about was universal, I thought, but I was wrong.Is it my job as his mother to ensure he feels safe emotionally, no matter what violence he spews?Is it my job as his mother to steer and educate, no matter how much that education challenges his view of himself?

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